Interlude with the Honest Doctor

Through Alchemical Metamorphosis we define, visualize, and hone in on what we would like to manifest through the process - we are all manifesters.  I use the following example from my alchemy experiments in relationship to exemplify the need for a wholistic vision, with the fine, or not-so-fine line of too much detail.

(from 2006) 

An Interlude with the Honest Doctor 

After a connection I had perceived to be amazing fell to pieces due to deception and his misrepresentation, all I put out to the Universe was that I wanted to be with someone honest. Honest, honest, honest, how could the Universe not know that I needed to be with someone honest??

A  couple months later my next date was with a doctor friend of my son’s girlfriend. He actually used to date her mother years ago. We set ourselves up. He came by the school where I’d just begun the dean job, took a tour, then we each drove our respective cars to Cherry Creek, ate at a month-old restaurant, Tula, and enjoyed lovely multi-course meal.  We talked easily.

He was fascinated with the medicine I was describing, seeing as he was an adolescent psychologist. Our talk was mostly “shop” and I felt I challenged many levels of his open-mindedness, which he was aware of, and open to. As we left the restaurant and walked the block to our cars, it was cold and began to snow. We reached the cars, and he turned to me, as I was wondering if we were going to talk about seeing each other again. He said to me, “I have to be honest, I have a dating dilemma.”

Well, how refreshing and HONEST! However, the word “dilemma” was added to the sentence, so I told him, “Tell me your dating dilemma.” He proceeded to tell me that he, at his age (52) and having never been married and childless, is now looking for someone with whom to start a family, and he was making the assumption, even though we hadn’t discussed anything of a personal nature at dinner, considering my family is almost grown and my two careers are underway, that I am probably not interested in starting family number two. He added that he enjoyed our meeting and I gave him lots to think about from our discussion and that he might be interested in having further conversations on a professional note.

The irony did not escape me. I had just exited the “relationship” where my children were “too many” and “too much”, that was the excuse anyway, and given that that particular fella was twenty years older than I (and professed to be a mere ten years older, amongst other lies), I was already wondering if this man, the doctor, was possibly too old for me as well. 

In that brief conversation, it became quite clear that I was too old for him (at fourteen years his junior) and that I wasn’t willing to have enough kids, at least in his assessment, without inquiring into my thoughts on the matter. Thus, without going into my reproductive capabilities and desires, I told him that it was good to know  what he wanted and was so honest about it. I thanked him for the evening, gave him a polite hug and got in my car and cried all the way home. And through the tears, I laughed; the irony was painful but beautiful, and again I learned more clearly, on a small scale, the adage, “be careful what you ask for, you just might get it”.

Place of Imbalances to be Reviewed (aka Economics class)

Another good one for revealing Truth and finding self-compassion. We don't have to be great at everything, and really can't be...
...And, there are wonderful techniques and angels to help us process, overturn and conquer these false beliefs.  I love Colorpuncture (and my mom!)

Daily Thought for Monday, February 2, 2009
by Master Djwhal Khul

May I see this day through fresh eyes, that the old places of imbalance in my life can be "reviewed" from the perspective of my Soul's mission.

Interesting this was yesterday's "thought" and I hadn't read it until today.  I had an opportunity to see through "fresh eyes" an old place of imbalance in my life to "review". 

I was in economics class where my tendency is to want to blend into the woodwork, just "do, be, and get".  However, the instructor chooses to call on the students and put them to work, so being invisible is not an option.  Yesterday I sat in the second row, and was asked to draw a graph on the board in the front of the class.  I understand graphs, I get math, but I did not understand what he wanted, so "messed up" in front of the class, and corrected it.  Then, because I was up in front of the class creating the graph, I missed taking the lecture notes that he was giving during that time. When I returned to my seat to catch up, focusing on what he'd already gone over, he came by my spot and asked me a question about what he was currently going over. Of course I had no clue, and since I feel clueless about the entire topic of economics I couldn't "wing it".  

So, more humiliation, especially when he threw up his hands in exasperation as if I should have already mastered all of this.  For goodness sakes.  Thankfully he moved on to the next clueless person.  I know I was not alone in that, however what it meant for me personally is definitely something I get to look at. 

It triggered a time during a poster presentation I was giving in a class near the end of my Bachelor's degree. The professor asked me a difficult technical question that I froze on.  I panicked, I couldn't think or breathe.  I knew I knew the answer, but I was so caught up in the difficulty of the question compared to the "opinion" question one of my classmates (one of the professor's "pets") received.  I know I made  everyone uncomfortable with my frozen panic.  My friend, Pat, was behind the professor signaling to encourage me.  She knew I knew the answer, and later told me he probably asked me the most difficult question because he was aware of my intelligence.  This made no difference to me at the time.  This event yesterday triggered close to those same feelings of humiliation, "dumbness", and wanting to crawl into a hole.

Thankfully, after yesterday's class I went straight to my mom's for a Colorpuncture treatment to work on a rash I've had for a few weeks.  She took a Kirlian photograph of my energy, and treated accordingly while I relayed the day's events to her.  What showed in my photo was very interesting.  It was clear there were boundaries that were being overstepped, and the "father imprint" had been triggered, and was "up".  This makes sense to me, I can see where my relationship with my dad could have a play in that.  I always wanted to be acknowledged for what I do know, and how acceptable I am, what a good person I am, etc.  I wanted to be understood for who I am, not for what I don't know.  I know a lot of it is embracing the fact that I cannot possibly know it all, and that it's okay to be in a situation where I don't know, and to accept it for myself in that moment.  The "dark" side.  Economics is not a strong suit for me, but a pre-requisite for pharmacy school.  There's a reason I didn't take this class way back when.  It's okay to have weaknesses, it's okay to not fully succeed in all areas.  I know I will do fine in the class, and chances are good I understand more of it than I give myself credit.  The healing is going to come through being okay in that situation, and to somehow move through those uncomfortable moments with a little more grace.  Then again, does it always have to be graceful?  I think it's actually okay to have awkward uncomfortable moments.  Perhaps that is more fully experiencing Life.

Ah, so, how does this relate to my soul's mission?  What gets to be healed and released?  To be balanced?  To be okay with it not being okay. Embrace the "fact" that I have both strengths AND weaknesses.  To come up with a method, a mantra, or meditation, to directly help neutralize the strong panicky, humiliated emotional trigger in that situation, so that it is not a block, but rather a gateway to deeper understanding and compassion for myself and others.

Today I do feel a bit more whole, a bit more loving and compassionate toward myself.  Far more than I did 13 years ago during that incident during my undergrad presentation.  That went on for months, way beyond the class ending.  I now know I can go back into class confident in who I am and where I'm at, and be okay in the now. I can stand a bit taller.  And my rash is closer to being healed now that I'm a bit more comfortable in my own skin...

S.A. Lyonheart :-)

Magnificence Incarnating in Flesh

Part of the Alchemical process is finding compassion for oneself and being honest and willing to take a deeper look for true transformation.  This excerpt is from a time in my life when there were so many unknowns about my future.  Actually at any point in our lives, it's all truly unknown, and we get to trust Divine inspiration every step of the way.

Daily Thought for Saturday, January 24, 2009
by Master Djwhal Khul
May I hold well this day the unfolding Mystery of the Divine infusing the mundane, of Spirit indwelling matter, of Magnificence incarnating in flesh.

Of course this comes along on a day when I am not feeling so magnificent, but instead a bit overwhelmed by everything going on in my life.  And it's not that there is anything "bad" going on, just a few reality checks, that yes, I am still a parent of a teenager who needs a slight tweak in direction and needs his mother to come back to Earth, that yes, my future is still relatively uncertain as to where I'll be going to school, and where my next abode is, and how it's all going to manifest exactly.  And, yes, that I am taking a crazy microeconomics class that I am trying to feel enthused about, and yes, that I need to buckle down and pay my taxes, and look at the reality of last year's self-employment income.  I far prefer to dwell in the observer detached mode. 

All of these things that I am doing and experiencing are opportunities to shine my magnificent self, express as my own unique being, to remember to return to trusting in the Universe that supports me and always has.  To release the hows and the whys, to reconnect to my Divinity, and check in with everyone else's Divinity.  To remember we are here to Love, to find compassion for ourselves and for others.  To connect with the Indwelling Joy that is ever present when we choose to recognize and embrace it.

My goals today:  1) To note the Mystery of the Divine in the mundane.  My life is a continuous string of miracles, and today is no different. 2) To remember the Spirit indwelling in matter in all thing and beings, and 3) to remember and celebrate and express the Magnificence of my own being that has incarnated in this flesh.

I am peaceful, powerful and poised, for I know who I am.
S.A. Lyonheart :-)

The Goldfish That Had to Go - Dream Work in Alchemy

We process much in our dream time, which can be directed and focussed for reaching our alchemical manifestations, especially with the help of Esogetic Herbal Dream Oil and guided dream work.

It was good I released any attachment to outcome because what did manifest for my new living space was beyond anything that I was contemplating and aware of at the time!

(From January 2009)

In this dream I was with my family, my mom, step dad, my sons, somewhere on a trip. We were gathering our things to leave, and somewhere on the trip, either found by me or given to me by one of the sons, I had acquired a goldfish. He was currently in a makeshift fish tank in the cabin and I wondered how I was going to take him with us when we left. Someone suggested a newspaper bag, so I thought that would be helpful. I filled the bag with his water from the tank, he escaped and was on the table out of the water, looking at me. The boys were laughing. I put the bag near the fish and he hopped right in. In my mind ran concerns regarding his being able to breathe in the bag. For some reason there wasn't enough water in the bag, and the fish was indicating, by jumping out again, that it was not to his liking. Then, for some reason, I filled up the bag with milk, thinking this way the fish could have nourishment while it traveled with us. This was not a happy answer for the fish, who, by the way, was more of a Dr. Seuss goldfish than a regular boring goldfish. In the milk it was standing on its tail, with its head out of the milk, almost shaking his head "no". I emptied the milk, and refilled with tank water, in yet another bag, this one a bread bag. There was lots of water, and I was trying to find the balance between air and water, not sure how long this was to be his home. I breathed some of my breath into the bag, with the hope of finding that right balance.

Eventually my dream went on to the next scene and I don't know if I ever got it right for that fish.

What if that fish is me? I can be a Dr. Seuss goldfish for a moment. Here I am wondering where my home is going to be when my house sells. Which bag (or home) is going to be just right as I "travel" with my sons and parents in this stage of our lives? Which one provides the most breathing room, the most nourishment, enough of my own environment and happiness? Interesting to note my own guessing game and seeming inability to figure it out and provide just the right environment for the "fish". This is the planner in me, to which I have been bringing more and more balance. I don't know the answers, all I can do is trust that the right situation is manifesting in the perfect timing, as it always has, in spite of all of my past planning and trying to make it work.

I am open to the Grace of the Universe in this transitional situation, and am excited to see what results come about. I know that the happiest answer for all concerned is manifesting and we all live in joy and great connection.

Winds of Change and the Importance of Letting Go

This was written several years ago while I was in the process of releasing the old beliefs, thought patterns, and more, discovering greater depths of self-compassion, in order to make room for the new and transformed. 

I feel somewhat unsettled as the wind is howling and the trees are swaying violently outside.   The sky is dark with gray with foreboding.  Maybe it’s stir craziness I’m experiencing from having been in bed for the last week with a strange illness that can’t seem to decide what it is, and is taking its time taking its leave.  I’m pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I know, well, have learned, in the past, that when I get sick enough to knock me out of commission as I’ve been, my life is about to change.  It’s a cocooning of sorts, a reorganization.  I am definitely very happy with my life in this place to where it has evolved, and am open to change for even better, on whatever level.  This said, this doesn’t feel to me like a cocooning on a personal level, it definitely feels more of a stepping back from the humanity and planetary level.  After a conversation with my mother earlier today, who is also suffering from this strange malady, I realize that perhaps the Universe is telling us to take cover, lay low for a bit, perhaps...rest up.  

I can only surmise or speculate that this may have something to do with the recent solar flares, with which their Earth arrival corresponded precisely with the onset of my illness, which has been fiery, feverish, with burning pain, mainly in my throat.    During the illness, some thoughts occurred to me, in light of, in spite of, or instead of the solar flare possibility.  One thought is that on a humanity level we are being dredged for the final drudge of karma that can be elicited before we have the opportunity for Ascension, if that is where we’re headed.  My human mind has no idea, and I have no answers, all I can do is go with the flow.   Bizarre things are happening in the world, even more so than usual, it seems.  My dreams have been ultra strange during this illness, and I haven’t had the time or energy to analyze them.  I’m okay with that, as it feels they are processing and processing…something.

Meanwhile, I feel more and more disconnected from humanity, and have no interest in the chaos that humanity pours on itself.  The personal dramas, the work dramas, the political dramas… are all karma either being played out or transcended.  Somehow I see beyond the drama, directly to the soul connection, the love, and can see that there is no reason for fear.  Death is not to fear, none of what we experience in life or are about to experience is to fear.  Life would be very, very different for every individual, and thus our collective communities if all decisions were made in love, instead of fear.   This would also be a different life if Earth’s inhabitants had no fear of death.   There was a particular scene that reminded of this, in Shirley MacLain’s miniseries Out On a Limb.  I hadn’t read her book or watched the miniseries before last night, but I have read much over the past 15 years about near death experiences, out of body experiences, spiritual matters, etc., and have had plenty of direct experiences that have brought my thought process to where it resides currently.  It was interesting to watch her metamorphosis, like a butterfly, through the show.  She resisted every step of the way, it appeared, but finally came to the realization that what she was experiencing and hearing was real and she obviously took action on the information she received.  Her experiences were more real than this weird world we live in and have collectively created for ourselves.  I am very glad to be reminded of this in this entertaining manner, although our true nature is almost always on my mind. 

I’ve also been reading a very interesting book on Dreaming and the Kaballah.  The premise is that our awakened state is at least as much of a dream-time than our sleeping state.  I’m not finished reading it yet, but I am sure I will have more to contemplate on this and the implications.

The theme this week in my awareness, it seems, is letting go.  In A Course in Miracles, our lessons have been about letting go (“loose-ing”) of the world we have created.  A client of mine’s main desire was to “let go” of the stuff he was ready to release so that he could move forward into his new life.  Letting go is one of the most difficult things a person can do.  What does it take to let go of the worry?  To let go of the fear?  To let go of having to know the how, or the why, or all of the answers.  If we let go, what are we left with?  Who are we without that fear?  Who are we without that worry?  Do we feel like we have to worry about something to be doing it “right”?  Do we have to be doing everything right?  If we let go of fear, are we out of our minds?  Maybe so.  Is that such a bad place to be?  

In Chinese medicine, letting go is the action of the Large Intestine.  We take in the events life presents to us (through the Stomach/solar plexus/Liver), let it churn a bit, send it to the Small Intestine for discernment, for sorting.  Small Intestine is the energy of discerning the turbid from the clear, retaining the clear, and sending the turbid to the Large Instestine for discharge, or letting go.  The clear is associated with the blessings, and what we want to keep to enrich ourselves and our lives.  The turbid is the crap that no longer serves us and we need to let go.  The energy of the Lung is directly related to the energy of the Large Intestine.  Lung is about grief and sorrow.  If we can grieve something, then we can let it go.  Sometimes we don’t know that we need to grieve something, but our bodies will tell us. 

Letting go is very freeing.  When you let go, those things hold no power over you, you reclaim your own power, and can move forward in a powerful way, rather than a fearful way.  Then your energy can be directed into creative endeavors. I realize this takes a lot of trust.  Trust in yourself, trust that everything will turn out “right”.  And “right” may not be our narrow perception of what is right for our lives, for we see very little of our full paths while we are incarnate and have very little knowledge of the meanings of our encounters and experiences.   In my experience, once I realized that there is a far bigger picture than my small awareness, my prayers and intentions became more for the greatest good of all involved, and allowing those who had a far greater awareness than mine, to make it happen.  I’ve since learned that these kinds of prayers often have the most profound outcomes, as I let go of my perceived best outcome.  I am not to judge what is the best outcome for anyone, not even for myself.  I can set my intention for what I think will be a great outcome, but I will always end it with “this or better”, as I do not know the lessons that need to be learned or the greater joy that can be experienced.  It’s called surrender.  

As the winds and the storm have subsided, I feel more at peace in my heart.  I feel more connected to my spirit, and am calmer about the next moment.  Solar flares or no solar flares, lunar eclipse or no lunar eclipse, and ascension or no ascension, I know that my life is dedicated to peace and love, and sharing and serving.  Perhaps my time cocooning is helping me strengthen this connection to my Source and helping me remember the theme of surrendering to the Greater Good and allowing it to flow through me.

Blueprint Emotions

Written in 10/13 while contemplating a new blueprint...

Wow - experiencing the gamut!

Where to start?

It seems like a daunting task to create a new blueprint... I've spent much of my afternoon trying to do research, mostly on the internet... Of course blueprints are mainly discussed in terms of that which we come into each lifetime, pre-formed, contracted... Where's the information about how to create one while in body? Ha.

It must be like creating a life vision, which I've done many a time... Created vision boards and books, and affirmations, etc., with awesome results over the years where I've been putting this into practice.

I actually see these practices as means of aligning with one's blueprint that has been already predetermined as a person follows their unfolding soul journey, as part of the soul journey of fulfilling the blueprint.  For me, this has been done, a few times, with each new "exit point" negotiated.

For me, now, all predetermined blueprints and contracts have been completed.  The major karma that was to be transmuted, has been.  It was not expected that I'd make it this far and this long, and right now it's a vast limitlessness.  

To create a blueprint out of the air, seemingly without the conscious awareness that I might have in the bardo, seems like a daunting task.  I don't want to miss anything, and I don't want to limit myself.  It's like walking through a craft store with all of the different possibilities of creation.  I feel like I'm in the Creator's shoes... And yes I've always seen myself as the co-Creator of my life.... Now I get to ramp that up a notch or five hundred!

It is clear to me that every action has a consequence. How that applies to this is quite apparent.  In my stubbornness in staying on the planet and fulfilling everything I felt I'd been working so hard for and I wanted to complete in this lifetime, finally, has kept me here, now beyond the completions.  It feels so strange to have no blueprint.  I feel it.  Ungrounded, vulnerable, needing to be cautious of my thoughts and intentions and what I place into my conscious reality.  I feel hyper aware of my emotions and my thoughts and attitudes and it is quite apparent what I do not want to create as part of my lasting life.  I seem to have gotten myself into a quandary.  Normally when the contracts are up, so is the physical life, which I probably ultimately would have been okay with, however now I have this pretty incredible task to experiment with.  So I will stick around a bit and play.  Why not?

I know that the sooner I focus on ONLY what I want to manifest and live, the better, and the less of this fear, doubt and worry will enter into what it ends up being.  I feel the need for a systematic approach even in uncharted territory, and I keep wondering if someone like a Life Coach or a Psychic healer or someone can help me out.  After an afternoon trying to find some insight or guidance online, I finally realized that I absolutely know what I need better than anyone outside of myself does, and I have all of the guidance in the world (and beyond) that I need, and will know each step of the way how to go about this.  This is my uncharted path, that I get to build literally from the ground up.

We don't create our pre-incarnation blueprints without agreements, contracts, guidance and inner knowing, so this one is not going to be any different.  I trust I will have access to all of the inner knowing I'll need, and all the guidance and more that I request.  What a wonderful position to be in.  And an interesting task ahead for someone who loves to plan things, trips, and life and stuff, and then sit back and watch it unfold as a master experimenter!

I do feel completely blessed to still be incarnate on this planet, and do every day I awaken.  That is my first intention for this blueprint, is to remember every moment how fortunate I am to have this Life opportunity, and to have so many possibilities to share the Love and Joy that I Am.

Masculine and Feminine in Balance

"My internal masculine and feminine selves show respect and appreciation for each other."

Daily Thought for Tuesday, March 10, 2009
by Master Djwhal Khul

The yin and the yang in balance and harmony with each other, is the key to great health. The yin, the feminine, being the stillness, the resting, the quiet, is utterly important for our physical, mental and emotional rejuvenation. It's about being present with ourselves, and going within to hear that "still, small voice", which sometimes isn't so small, especially the longer we ignore it. The feminine is our intuitive aspect, the receptivity of the Divine. Often in our society, and maybe many others, people do not go to this place of stillness, of receptivity, of rejuvenation so that they can have the energy they need for the yang, or masculine aspects of their lives: the activity, the expression, the action, the sharing with others, the creativity. If there is too much doing, and not enough being, then there is imbalance. I find this often in my practice, and it can be felt in a person's pulses. This can result in taking action where the action may not be so Divinely inspired and not coming from the most heart-centered place possible, thus causing more problems than creative solutions.

The opposite is also seen in practice and in life. Where there's plenty of stillness and intuition coming through, but no action being taken upon it.  This can lead to stagnation and illness, both physical and emotional.  I often feel in the pulses of my patients an oppressive energy that weighs down the vibrancy of the true pulse.  I translate this into the energy of not taking action on something that needs taking action. The patient often knows what it is because they are so intuitive, and that's not where the energy is stuck.  Sometimes they do not know because the energy is so stuck, and once it gets flowing again through their taking action in some part of their lives, then life overall begins to flow and they can make good, heart-centered decisions.

The perfect balance and flow is when the Divinely guided intuitive "hit" comes through, and we can express it and take action on it immediately. No questioning "what if, yeah but, if only..." just take action. Then we are in the flow of Life and this is the masculine taking taking action respecting the feminine intuition and stillness. It is also the feminine appreciating the ability of the masculine to take action.

There is much to be appreciated about the masculine and feminine being in good communication and mutually respecting each others importance. This can require a fair amount of Trust.  Trust that our intuitive hits are truly coming from a higher place, and trusting that our taking action is for our greatest good.  I think it's also about life being a place where we can try these things, lean into them, and see where they take us.  This may seem risky, especially at first, but the more the inner masculine and feminine cooperate the more easily life flows.

This is often, or maybe even always, demonstrated through our relationships. We attract those who provide balance for us. For example, when I was young and newly married, I was the ultimate yin, or feminine and nurturing , aspect with very little of the masculine; whereas my husband at the time was the epitomy of the masculine, the breadwinner, the decision-maker, As I grew older, and more into myself, and embraced more of my masculine, which for me meant expressing my unique self, and trying to take action on those things that were important to me, this gave him an opportunity to look at and embrace the qualities of his feminine and receptive, nurturing side so that we could once again balance each other at this new level. Unfortunately, my masculine appeared to be too challenging for his hidden feminine, and at the time he wasn't willing to go there, so instead of growing together, we grew apart. I took my new level of feminine/masculine balance, or relative imbalance, out into the world of relationship, with interesting results.

There have been many shifts and changes over the years with my goal of being more balanced in my feminine and masculine aspects, and honoring both.  I feel I've gotten myself to a good place.  I am able to live an intuitive life, and can take action or express myself accordingly.  I don't know what this means relationship-wise, since I am not currently in one that will mirror my level of balance of my inner feminine and masculine, but I look forward to finding out and seeing where my inner feminine and masculine might need more attention in mutual respect and appreciation.

Many Blessings to All of You, You Wonderful Beings of the Inner Feminine and Masculine!

S.A. Lyonheart :-)